So more and more I see pecker-head business men who belong in a bank cubicle wearing the "once" white coat I have on my back. The coat that cost me part of my thumb, hundreds of small cuts, burns, bruises, blood, sweat, leg chafing, consumption of spoiled liquids for money, and half of my god damn life. I will tell you I am very serious when I say, money mongers and posers have taken over probably one of the last true and honest trades in the world. Being a Chef...
I believe there are two types of people in this world. Ones who can cook, and ones who can't. To all of the young wanna-be Bobby Flay's, being in the kitchen is not about how much custom embroidery and black piping is on your coat. There is something you must have that goes way beyond that...It's called Passion. Some chefs have worked very hard to earn that embroidery and black piping. They have also earned the right to jump down your throat for fucking up chicken stock or what could have been a great demi. These chefs are harder and harder to find.
Cutting corners now-a-days is accepted and is becoming a more practical and lucrative way to run a restaurant. Instead of doing all the hours of prep for dishes on your menu, why not buy everything pre-prepped, packaged and ready to shove down the throats of people who have no fucking clue on how food done right should taste? Why should Joe Asshole, the owner of " I don't give a fuck baked goods"(sorry to those named Joe) have his baker make fresh baguettes when he could have his baker order frozen hard-as-a-rhino's-cock baguettes, then schedule him to come in 3 hours later than normal and throw them in the oven for 15 minutes before service? I will tell you why...He has no passion. All of this talk about how impossible it is to run a true do it yourself restaurant is making me sick. The only reason any one ever cuts corners is because it is easier. It is not more lucrative, it is not more practical, it is not more profitable, it is just an easy way in. Instead of polluting the worlds taste buds why not quit this trade and leave it to people who actually give a shit? Most restaurants competing now are all fighting for customers who like their beef base better. This generation has no clue on how real food should taste. I would like to help change that...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Great Sunday Funday
There has not been a single Sunday in the past few years where I have gotten up and said "Ok Sunday I am ready for you." It is more likely that I was sitting on the couch in the living room making groans and grunts because my body was sore from all of the toilet hugging I took part in just a couple hours earlier.
So...In my family I never really remember having these extravagant Sunday feasts that you often see in movies and media. They portray these events as some sort of great gathering, some kind of shin dig where fucking knights on horses come to the table and blow into their bugle horn with white heavenly light shining down on the baked ham and side items, angels singing falsetto hook lines from your favorite motown classic, alcoholic beverages being guzzled down, your grandpap farting at the table, the dog shitting in the house, your drunk Uncle eating all of the mixed nuts and other coffee table treats, holy jesus I could go on forever. In my family I just remember having simple meals and talking about how shitty my grades were, unless of course I was at my Grandparents house for some sort of holiday, then it was exactly like everything I described above...Knights and all...Just kidding.
Fortunately I live in a house with three people who are all in or have graduated culinary school. That makes me the odd man out. The great thing about this situation is the fact that we all LOVE food. There isn't a moment that passes where we are not pondering what to make for dinner. If we should or should not throw a dinner party? Should we have a theme? What kind of alcohol should we get? Can we put a stripper in a giant cake? All things are considered. But the one thing that is truly amazing is the unity involved. It feels like a family. Something I did not really get to expierence with my family growing up. It was all hustle and bustle.
My favorite quote growing up was "You can't play outside until you clean off your plate." The meaning of "cleaning a plate" to my Grandma Libby, meant to lick the fucker dry. Heaping piles of fried southern proteins with butter soaked vegetables and a massive lake of dark pan gravy covering my starch. This was no easy task. I think back to those days and wonder...The reason I eat so fucking fast is because I was always looking forward to the events after dinner instead of focusing on the food in front of me. Now I am 24 and things have changed. I still eat fast but i have developed this secret way of disecting a meal, finding every ingredient used in the construction of whatever is in front of me.
So to sum up my rant on how my sunday's are spent, I would like for everyone to know that if you have the oppurtunity to feast on Sunday with your family or friends you should take advantage of it and deffinently get a giant cake with a busty blonde or brunette crammed inside of it ready to burst out like a zit you've been squeezing for days...Gross
So...In my family I never really remember having these extravagant Sunday feasts that you often see in movies and media. They portray these events as some sort of great gathering, some kind of shin dig where fucking knights on horses come to the table and blow into their bugle horn with white heavenly light shining down on the baked ham and side items, angels singing falsetto hook lines from your favorite motown classic, alcoholic beverages being guzzled down, your grandpap farting at the table, the dog shitting in the house, your drunk Uncle eating all of the mixed nuts and other coffee table treats, holy jesus I could go on forever. In my family I just remember having simple meals and talking about how shitty my grades were, unless of course I was at my Grandparents house for some sort of holiday, then it was exactly like everything I described above...Knights and all...Just kidding.
Fortunately I live in a house with three people who are all in or have graduated culinary school. That makes me the odd man out. The great thing about this situation is the fact that we all LOVE food. There isn't a moment that passes where we are not pondering what to make for dinner. If we should or should not throw a dinner party? Should we have a theme? What kind of alcohol should we get? Can we put a stripper in a giant cake? All things are considered. But the one thing that is truly amazing is the unity involved. It feels like a family. Something I did not really get to expierence with my family growing up. It was all hustle and bustle.
My favorite quote growing up was "You can't play outside until you clean off your plate." The meaning of "cleaning a plate" to my Grandma Libby, meant to lick the fucker dry. Heaping piles of fried southern proteins with butter soaked vegetables and a massive lake of dark pan gravy covering my starch. This was no easy task. I think back to those days and wonder...The reason I eat so fucking fast is because I was always looking forward to the events after dinner instead of focusing on the food in front of me. Now I am 24 and things have changed. I still eat fast but i have developed this secret way of disecting a meal, finding every ingredient used in the construction of whatever is in front of me.
So to sum up my rant on how my sunday's are spent, I would like for everyone to know that if you have the oppurtunity to feast on Sunday with your family or friends you should take advantage of it and deffinently get a giant cake with a busty blonde or brunette crammed inside of it ready to burst out like a zit you've been squeezing for days...Gross
TOP FIVE!
Recently I have done a small amount of research and have asked myself a question that might not have an answer... What's worse? People who create stupid-uber-cheap-shitty-fucking-pointless kitchen gadgets, or people who use stupid-uber-cheap-shitty-fucking-pointless kitchen gadgets? Spending about five or so minutes google searching kitchen gadgets I have found atleast ten that really make we want to buy them, shit on them, return them to thier awesome box, and mail them back to the company that spawned such garbage! Below is my "Top Five" pointless kitchen gadget list. Enjoy!
5. Pizza Scissors
These little fuckers are about as helpful as an umbrella in tornado. Are people so fuckin lazy that they need scissors to cut pizza? I thought a standard pizza cutter was the bee's knees but i guess not...
4. Milk Carton Holder
Woah they make a fucking milk carton holder? What's so hard about pouring milk from a carton? People pay for a molded peice of plastic to hold their milk so it is easier to pour? Somebody fucking shoot me!
3. Egg Geenie
Ok I know someone who owns one of these and this little kitchen gizmo would be better used as a sex toy!
2. Onion Goggles
Now I feel bad for posting this because I recieved these as a gift but they are more suited for a casual walk through Hollywood or as part of a costume...
1. Pot Clip Spoon Rest
Ok the big numero UNO! This is just really dumb...
So to sum this all up, I could use the $50-$80 that all this would cost and buy a nice bag of pot, take my awesome girl friend out to a nice dinner, pay an over due bill... The list goes on. Sorry to anyone who owns any of these awesomely bad constraptions but throw them away, they are probably causeing you more time and hassel than just doing it the good ole' fashioned way.
5. Pizza Scissors
These little fuckers are about as helpful as an umbrella in tornado. Are people so fuckin lazy that they need scissors to cut pizza? I thought a standard pizza cutter was the bee's knees but i guess not...
4. Milk Carton Holder
Woah they make a fucking milk carton holder? What's so hard about pouring milk from a carton? People pay for a molded peice of plastic to hold their milk so it is easier to pour? Somebody fucking shoot me!
3. Egg Geenie
Ok I know someone who owns one of these and this little kitchen gizmo would be better used as a sex toy!
2. Onion Goggles
Now I feel bad for posting this because I recieved these as a gift but they are more suited for a casual walk through Hollywood or as part of a costume...
1. Pot Clip Spoon Rest
Ok the big numero UNO! This is just really dumb...
So to sum this all up, I could use the $50-$80 that all this would cost and buy a nice bag of pot, take my awesome girl friend out to a nice dinner, pay an over due bill... The list goes on. Sorry to anyone who owns any of these awesomely bad constraptions but throw them away, they are probably causeing you more time and hassel than just doing it the good ole' fashioned way.
No Bitterness
Suddenly out of the blue (the very dark fucking blue that is so dark blue, your eyes trick you into believing that it is black) a giant bucket of precooked hardboiled eggs turns into a flesh eating tub of chicken embryo. While being chased through a giant space twirling with techni-color and polka dots, I manage to pull a giant sword out of my pants and turn that son of bitch into a tasty mixture best known to go in between two pieces of your favorite bread. After I awake from this horrible dream, my mind is set on one question...What the fuck was that all about?
Recently I was working for a restaurant and the menu said "Welcome, we have fun creative southern food here." When in all reality, this place made a fucking looney-ward look like a resort hotel. The things I saw made me cringe everyday, and I often asked myself why I was there. The owner and...Chef and...Managers and... Bartender and... Servers and...Cunt... This person played all the roles. This person tried to do everything. Often I would come in and I would feel as if I was three years old again. I really and truly hated this place and everything it will never be.
So! Back to my dream... What did this dream mean? Why was I being chased by a giant pail of processed-precooked-packaged eggs? The food world is slowing turning into an assembly line of garbage and as a result society is losing it's ability to know good food. Not just shit that tastes good, but shit that is good. Quality, quality, quality... But how do you achieve quality when the word and meaning itself no longer exists?
Recently I was working for a restaurant and the menu said "Welcome, we have fun creative southern food here." When in all reality, this place made a fucking looney-ward look like a resort hotel. The things I saw made me cringe everyday, and I often asked myself why I was there. The owner and...Chef and...Managers and... Bartender and... Servers and...Cunt... This person played all the roles. This person tried to do everything. Often I would come in and I would feel as if I was three years old again. I really and truly hated this place and everything it will never be.
So! Back to my dream... What did this dream mean? Why was I being chased by a giant pail of processed-precooked-packaged eggs? The food world is slowing turning into an assembly line of garbage and as a result society is losing it's ability to know good food. Not just shit that tastes good, but shit that is good. Quality, quality, quality... But how do you achieve quality when the word and meaning itself no longer exists?
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